


Knights Don't Cry.

by IAmTheNightman98



Series: Beyond loyalty. [2]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Pain, Podrick doesn’t die, Season 8 Spoilers, up to e2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-25 14:10:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18576082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmTheNightman98/pseuds/IAmTheNightman98
Summary: He finds her after the Battle of Winterfell, slumped in the snow with tears frozen to her face, clutching the limp body of her squire.-x-A cold, gloved hand cupped her cheek and she felt a brush of facial hair as whoever was holding her pressed their ear above her nose and lips.“Somebody help me. She’s still alive.” She heard Jaime cry out, before her mind succumbed to the darkness.





	Knights Don't Cry.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a follow on from my fic 'Time is not on our side', but it can be read alone

The wind howled around Brienne as the snow covered the bodies of the men who fought beside her. Fought beneath her command.

She’d failed them.

Technically, her command of the left flank had been a success. They’d kept a tight, almost impenetrable formation against the army of the dead and had managed to push them back somewhat, buying them at least a few days to regroup, regain strength and prepare for the next surge. The men who had survived swore that they would sing songs of the glorious Woman Warrior who had valiantly lead the charge, but she didn’t care for the praise.

Because in her heart, she knew that she’d failed each and every one of the men under her command that she had lost. She could’ve done better. She should’ve protected them.

If she could, she would take the place of each one of the men she’d lost.

She looked down to where she clutched the limp body of her squire against her chest and gritted her teeth, desperately trying to hold back her tears. In an attempt to shield him from the blizzard that swirled around them, she curled her body further around his, then brought up her gloved hand to her mouth. She blew as much warm air into her palm as she could manage then moved her hand to his cheek, attempting in vain to prevent him from freezing.

His body was lifeless, but he could see the soft, shallow puffs of air turning to ice as they left his nose.

She’d been so unnecessarily cruel to Podrick when they’d first met. It pained her to think about how nasty she’d been. But he’s stayed by her side regardless. And now he was paying the ultimate price for following her.

She’d told him once that nothing was more hateful than failing to protect the one you love. Little did she know that years later, he would be the victim of her latest failure. She loved him, without a doubt. It was almost a motherly sort of love, despite the fact that he was only around ten years her junior. He’d grown and changed so much during their companionship, it had been a true privilege to see.

When Jaime had commanded her to kneel, for some inexplicable reason, her eyes were drawn to Pod’s. She trusted Jaime with all of her heart, but all her life she had been conditioned to expect the worst of people’s intentions. A voice in the back of her head taunted that as soon as she stood, he wouldn’t be able to keep the joke going any longer and she would be the victim of another cruel joke. But she glanced over at Podrick and he nodded softly back, encouraging her.

And all she could do in return for his years of constant service and reassurance was hold him as he drew his final breaths.

The relentless screams of the dying men around them was almost too much for her to bare. “It’s okay.” She whispered to Pod, brushing the hair away from his softly closed eyes. “I’m so sorry. I have failed you.” She choked out. Then, her resolve caved.

Thick, ugly, uncontrollable sobs burst from her like a fountain. She was ashamed of her emotions. Real knights didn’t cry on the battlefield like children. Jaime may have said the words, but she would never truly be a knight.

He would be embarrassed if he could see her now, of that she was sure.

Before the battle began, he’d told her he loved her. Not just told her, but repeated it over and over and over, like a mantra. But she tried to push away the memory of their final moments together as the pain it caused in her chest was more painful than all of her injuries combined.

They’d lain together in a way she was taught that only a man and his wife should. It was beautiful. She’d always known she had a fighters body, never entertained the thought that it could be a woman’s body too.

He’d practically begged her to ask for his hand in marriage. Until she’d seen the desperation in his eyes, she’d thought he was joking.

But she had no doubt that her foolish belief they would marry, that she could be happy, was over now. Whatever he’d seen in her would disappear when he realised how badly she’d failed. She couldn’t live up to the title he’d bestowed on her.

Besides, for all she knew, he could be dead.

She’d lost sight of him during the battle and hadn’t seen him since. Her only hope was that she hadn’t seen him fall either. If she hadn’t seen him die, there was a chance he could still be alive.

Not that it mattered, since she would likely die tonight regardless.

Her knees screamed in pain where they dug into the cold hard ground, and her entire body ached from her wounds. The hot trickle of blood that stemmed from her temple and trickled down her cheek and neck had not yet stopped. She was no maester, but she knew was a bad sign. Her breath came in ragged pants and not just because of her tears, her chest heaved in pain and her heart hammered beneath her breast.

If her injuries didn’t take her, the cold would.

She felt as though, if she summoned every remaining ounce of the energy he had left, she could drag herself back to Winterfell. But there was no way she could drag Podrick too, and she wouldn’t leave him. She would stay here, clutching him until the very end, even if it killed her.

What felt like hours passed. She could see the first light on the horizon, but it did nothing to change the freezing temperatures. Many of the men’s groans had been silenced. She suspected that they had died.

Periodically, she leaned down over Podrick’s face, parted his lips and covered them with her own and blew a steady stream of air into his mouth. Once, twice, then a third and final time. It was something she’d seen her father do when her brother Galladon had drowned. She had no idea why, and she didn’t know if it was working, or if it could even work in this situation. Even if the breath itself did nothing, she was keeping him warm, which may have been keeping his airways from freezing and therefore keeping him alive. Whatever it was, he hadn’t died yet, so Brienne would keep going.

She knew it was selfish to keep him alive when she was so sure they would perish, but she couldn’t accept the fact that this was the end.

Before too long, she felt her eyelids grow heavy. But it wasn’t the tug of exhaustion. No, this was her body slowly relenting to her imminent death. She blew as much air as she could manage into Podrick’s lungs one final time then kissed his forehead. “I’m so sorry.” She whispered, then moved her arm to reach out for Oathkeeper which was laying, half covered in snow beside them.

She used the remainder of her strength to bring the hilt of the sword to her lips. “I love you.” She choked out. Not to the sword, to Jaime, wherever he may be.

Then, she curled her body tightly against Podrick's and waited to die.

-

-

_“Breinne?”_

She heard a distant voice calling.

Jaime’s voice.

_“Brienne?”_

He called again.

She couldn’t open her eyes. She’d given much thought to her death and she’d always believed in the gods, but never in an afterlife. Yet somehow, she could hear Jaime’s voice calling to her.

She was caught in the space between life and death and he was calling to her. Guiding her.

She squeezed her eyes tightly and willed herself to die. So that she could be with him.

“Brienne?” She heard again, but much closer this time.

Then the sound of hooves.

“Ser Jaime, she’s over here.” She heard an unfamiliar voice roar.

You’re dying, was her only coherent thought.

Suddenly, her body was ripped away from Podrick’s. Oathkeeper fell from her grasp and her head rolled backwards as her neck was unable to support its weight any longer.

A cold, gloved hand cupped her cheek and she felt a brush of facial hair as whoever held her pressed their ear above her nose and lips.

“Somebody help me. She’s still alive.” She heard Jaime cry out, before her mind succumbed to the darkness.

-x-

Brienne’s entire body howled with pain.

She was alive. Her eyes were heavy and she tried to open them, but she squinted at the light spilling in through the window and had to squeeze them tightly shut again. Her face contorted in agony.

“Brienne?” She heard a voice say, then felt cool fingertips brushing her forehead.

“Podrick?” She stammered, before she even thought to ask where she was or how she had been kept alive, as it was the only coherent thought she could form. Please, gods, don’t let them have left him out there alone.

“No, it’s Jaime.” He told her, but she shook her head. He had misunderstood her meaning.

“Is Podrick alive?” She said breathlessly, the pain making it difficult to speak.

“He is, but barely.” Jaime told her and she exhaled in relief, but she couldn’t open her eyes. She didn’t want to see Jaime. She didn’t to see the look on his face as he saw her like this. A broken, bloodied, failure. All she could do was focus on Podrick. He was alive. She'd never known relief like it.

She felt Jaime’s palm on her skin and his thumb brushing her skin. “Gods, Brienne.” He sighed. “I thought you were-” He stammered, but he choked on his words and her eyes flew open to look at him. He was crying.

Her cheeks flushed hot with shame. She was not worthy of his tears. “I need to rest.” She said softly, looking away from his face.

Jaime nodded his head and removed his hand from her face. “Of course.” He said sheepishly, wiping the tears away with the back of his hand.

He settled into the chair beside her bed, which hadn’t been there when she’d occupied this room before. His eyes never left hers. She felt naked under his gaze, but unlike the previous night, when his unashamed staring at her naked form had filled her with courage, this time, it made her want to curl up and disappear.

As she looked back at him, she saw that his eye was swollen and purple, and his cheek cheek had an angry looking graze that had not yet been cleaned. She suspected from the uncomfortable looking way he sat his body was littered with cuts and bruises. His golden hand was gone, too.

She realised in that moment that not only had she failed Podrick and all the other soldiers that served under her, she’d failed him too. He’d asked to serve under her command and she’d failed to protect him.

Her vision blurred as her eyes filled with tears, so she closed her eyes and turned away from him, begging her body to let her sleep.

-x-

When she awoke a little while later, she felt her pain had lessened slightly and suspected she had been given milk of the poppy. If she had been awake, she would’ve refused it. She deserved to suffer.

Someone was watching her, she could sense it. Slowly, she blinked open her eyes and turned to glance around the room. Jaime was sitting on the edge of his chair in nervous anticipation and he sighed in relief when they locked eyes.

“How much time has passed?” She asked quietly.

“A few hours since you last woke up.” He replied, equally as softly.

Her eyes narrowed sceptically. “You’ve been here the whole time?” She asked, rather curtly, and he nodded in response.

She wished he would leave. She knew he would be disgusted by her weakness, she didn’t need to see it in person.

“Isn’t there anything more productive you could’ve done with your time, Ser Jaime?” She muttered and his face contorted in confusion and anger.

“More productive than being by the side of the woman I love?” He snapped quickly, his eyes challenging her, daring her, to fight back.

“Yes.” She fired back, equally as fast.

His eyes flared with fury and he inhaled sharply. Tears burnt at her eyes as they stared one another down.

He sighed softly. “What are you doing, Brienne?”

What are you doing? She screamed at herself in her mind. He loves you. Just let him love you.

You will never be worthy of him.

“I’d like you to leave.” She said firmly, blinking back her tears.

He swallowed and blinked back tears of his own, then straightened his shoulders. “No.” He said simply.

“Jaime-” She pleaded, but he cut her off.

“I said no. I love you. You are to be my wife. I won’t leave you. And I certainly won’t let you push me away.” He told her, raising his voice slightly. His breathing was heavy and laboured as he stared into her eyes.

Her chin wobbled and she begged herself not to cry. “I release you from your vow.” She told him, her voice trembling.

“Stop this.” He snapped.

“You do not want me, Ser. I have failed. Many men perished under my command as I failed to protect them.” She said, looking away from him. “I release you from your vow.” She reiterated.

“Look at me.” He commanded and her eyes snapped back towards him. He dropped to his knee beside her bed and took her hand in his. “You may release me from my vow, but I do not release you from yours. I love you. I will marry you.” He insisted and she could do nought but stare back at him.

“We are at war, men will die. It is unavoidable. You commanded admirably and fought bravely. Winterfell stands because of it.” He continued and she shook her head as hot, wet tears brimmed in her eyes and threatened to spill down her cheeks.

“I could’ve done more.” She whispered.

“You can’t protect everyone.” He yelled back in frustration.

“Well I should have.” She shouted in response.

Neither spoke for a few minutes and the room was filled with the sound of their heavy, panting breaths. His eyes bore almost painfully into hers. Then, he shook his head and smiled softly and brought his hand back up to caress her cheek. “You love me.” He told her and she smiled softly back. Only Jaime Lannister would tell a woman that she loved him to win an argument.

“I do.” She said, her voice barely audible.

“How long do we have until the dead re-surge?” She asked after a moment.

“No more than two days.” He told her remorsefully.

She drew in a sharp breath. Her body would not be strong enough to fight again in just two days. “I ask that you would command the left flank in my stead.”

Jaime’s eyes widened. “I can’t accept-” He stammered.

“Please.” She said softly, covering his hand on her cheek with hers and interlacing their fingers. “I trust no one else.”

“Then it would be my honour.” He nodded.

Brienne felt like a coward for ever doubting Jaime’s love for her. He’d searched for her. Nursed her back to health. Waited by her bedside until she awoke. He would never have thrown away their relationship that had been years in the making because of one perceived failure.

She was just too afraid to accept the fact that it was real. They had survived the night. There was a slim possibility that they would survive this war and she would have to confront the reality that Jaime Lannister, the Golden Lion, was in love with her.

As if somehow sensing what she wanted, he pulled back, shrugged off his coat and boots, then pulled back the furs and climbed into bed with her. He was freezing cold, but she huddled against him anyways.

“I’m so sorry.” She said quietly as she hid her face against his chest.

He brought his arms around her and rubbed soothing circles on her back. “Hush now, its okay. I’ve got you.”

He held her for the rest of the night. For the first time in her life, she allowed herself to be weak. She acknowledged her vulnerabilities instead of pretending that they didn’t exist.

On the battlefield, she’d told herself that knights don’t cry, but that night she realised how wrong she’d been.

Tomorrow, they’d do it all again. But for tonight, she’d let herself cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I'm in a creative mood, so if anyone has any prompts let me know!
> 
> Also, I have no beta, so please excuse any mistakes.


End file.
